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Successful Co-Parenting
How parents negotiate their
childrearing beliefs and their day-to-day shared parenting
responsibilities is called co-parenting .
When mothers and fathers can
agree on parenting decisions, the positive benefits of co-parenting are
seen.
Mothers and fathers who agree
on parenting issues and support each other’s efforts create an
environment that allows children to grow and thrive.
After
a divorce or separation it may seem unthinkable to begin to build a new
parenting relationship with an ex-spouse. But with effort, it can be done.
Conflict
between former partners is often inevitable; what is important is how
the conflict is managed. Some possible sources of conflict are:
- Money
- Medical
issues
- Religious/values
education
- Education
and/or career plans
- Holidays
- Recreation
(sports, hobbies)
- Discipline
Keys
to successful co-parenting
- Base
your new relationship with your ex on basic business principles. Form
a working relationship. How you feel about your ex is less important
than how you act toward him/her.
- Respect
your need for privacy and the other parent's too. The only information
that needs to be shared between co-parents is that pertaining to their
children.
- Each
parent has the right to develop his/her own parenting styles. As long
as no harm is being done, let your ex-spouse relate to your child as
he/she sees fit.
- Acknowledge
what your ex-spouse has to offer your child. Remember the qualities
that first attracted you. Those qualities still exist and are
available to your child.
- Make
a serious effort to live up to the terms of the time sharing
agreement.
- Tell
the other parent in advance about necessary changes in plans.
- Try
to be reasonably flexible in "trading off" to accommodate
each other's needs.
- Prepare
your child in a positive way for each upcoming stay with the other
parent.
- Do
not conduct custody, visitation, or support discussions when you meet
to transfer your child. Work
on your problems with the other parent in private.
- Do
not use your child as a confidant, messenger, bill collector, or spy.
- Listen
to your child concerning problems with the other parent, but encourage
your child to work out the problems with the other parent directly.
What your child needs to know:
- The
child has not caused the divorce.
- Neither
parent is rejecting the child.
- The
child will still have a family, even though the parents will no longer
be married to each other.
- Although
the parents feelings toward each other have changed, the parents' love
for the child will go on forever.
- The
parents will continue to take care of the child and provide for
him/her.
- The
parents should try to agree on a reasonable explanation to give the
child on why they are getting a divorce. The child needs just enough
information to explain the divorce. Too many details may be confusing.
- As
soon as matters are settled, the child needs to know what things will
stay the same and what things will change: which parent the child will
live with and when he/she will see the other parent, where the child
will live and go to school, when the child will see other family
members (grandparents, aunts and uncles) and so on.
- Tell
you child that it's OK to feel sad about the other parent's leaving or
absence.
- Helping
your child through the adjustments and difficulties of divorce means
being in touch with their feelings of loss, guilt, powerlessness and
fear.
- Stick
to a daily routine with your child, similar at both houses whenever
possible.
- Acknowledge
that your child may wish to have you and your former partner get back
together, but do not encourage or support this wish.
- Talk
with your child honestly about changes or moves that will affect
him/her before they occur.
- Support
your child's need to visit with the other parent.
- Support
your child's desire to love both parents. Tell your child that it's
still OK to love both of you, even though you're no longer going to be
married to each other.
- Don't
try to use your child as your counselor or your source of emotional
support. Seeing parents as needy and dependent on them may make a
child feel very insecure. Find an adult who can fulfill those needs
for you.
- Remind
your child that his/her parents will still take care of him/her
- Show
your child that you trust his/her ability to adapt to these changes.
- Promote
relationships between your child and other safe, healthy and caring
adults including extended family, friends and professionals.
What NOT to do
- Do
not withhold visitations from the other parent?
- Do
not use your child to spy on the other parent?
- Do
not use your child as a pawn or bargaining chip in fighting over
family property?
- Do
not use your child as a go-between to resolve issues with your former
partner?
- Do
not speak negatively and angrily about your former spouse in front of
your child?
- Do
not compare your child with the other parent in a negative way?
- Do
not argue with the other parent in front of the child?
- Do
not use your child to pass on information and messages to the other
parent.
Take care of
yourself.
Depending on your circumstances, your
own emotional and physical energy may be low. Find ways to take care of
yourself so you can fully care for your children.
I
am a skilled Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with many years of
training. I am
successful and effective at dealing with the many issues that occur due to
divorce and separation. I can provide counseling services for yourself,
your child, your family as well as couples and co-parenting counseling.
Please contact me to ask any other questions you may have or to set up an initial appointment.
Mark
Hirschfield MFT
(415)
820 1545
Return
to Home Page
email:
mark@markhirschfield.com
Some of this info is culled from the
website of the NDSU Extension Service, North Dakota State University of
Agriculture and Applied Science. Thanks
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