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Successful Co-Parenting
How parents negotiate
their childrearing beliefs and their day-to-day shared parenting
responsibilities is called co-parenting .
When mothers and
fathers can agree on parenting decisions, the positive benefits of
co-parenting are seen.
Mothers and fathers
who agree on parenting issues and support each other’s efforts
create an environment that allows children to grow and thrive.
After a
divorce or separation it may seem unthinkable to begin to build a new
parenting relationship with an ex-spouse. But with effort, it can be
done. Conflict
between former partners is often inevitable; what is important is how
the conflict is managed. Some possible sources of conflict are:
- Money
- Medical issues
- Religious/values education
- Education and/or career plans
- Holidays
- Recreation (sports, hobbies)
- Discipline
Keys to successful co-parenting
- Base your new relationship with your
ex on basic business principles. Form a working relationship. How you
feel about your ex is less important than how you act toward
him/her.
- Respect your need for privacy and
the other parent's too. The only information that needs to be shared
between co-parents is that pertaining to their children.
- Each parent has the right to
develop his/her own parenting styles. As long as no harm is being done,
let your ex-spouse relate to your child as he/she sees fit.
- Acknowledge what your ex-spouse
has to offer your child. Remember the qualities that first attracted
you. Those qualities still exist and are available to your child.
- Make a serious effort to live up to the terms of the time
sharing agreement.
- Tell the other parent in advance about necessary changes in
plans.
- Try to be reasonably flexible in "trading off" to accommodate
each other's needs.
- Prepare your child in a positive way for each upcoming stay
with the other parent.
- Do not conduct custody, visitation, or support discussions
when you meet to transfer your child. Work on your problems with the
other parent in private.
- Do not use your child as a confidant, messenger, bill
collector, or spy.
- Listen to your child concerning problems with the other
parent, but encourage your child to work out the problems with the
other parent directly.
What your child needs to know:
- The child has not caused the divorce.
- Neither parent is rejecting the child.
- The child will still have a family, even though the parents
will no longer be married to each other.
- Although the parents feelings toward each other have changed,
the parents' love for the child will go on forever.
- The parents will continue to take care of the child and
provide for him/her.
- The parents should try to agree on a reasonable explanation
to give the child on why they are getting a divorce. The child needs
just enough information to explain the divorce. Too many details may be
confusing.
- As soon as matters are settled, the child needs to know what
things will stay the same and what things will change: which parent the
child will live with and when he/she will see the other parent, where
the child will live and go to school, when the child will see other
family members (grandparents, aunts and uncles) and so on.
- Tell you child that it's OK to feel
sad about the other parent's leaving or absence.
- Helping your child through the adjustments and difficulties
of divorce means being in touch with their feelings of loss, guilt,
powerlessness and fear.
- Stick to a daily routine with your child, similar at both
houses whenever possible.
- Acknowledge that your child may wish to have you and your
former partner get back together, but do not encourage or support this
wish.
- Talk with your child honestly about changes or moves that
will affect him/her before they occur.
- Support your child's need to visit with the other parent.
- Support your child's desire to love both parents. Tell your
child that it's still OK to love both of you, even though you're no
longer going to be married to each other.
- Don't try to use your child as your counselor or your source
of emotional support. Seeing parents as needy and dependent on them may
make a child feel very insecure. Find an adult who can fulfill those
needs for you.
- Remind your child that his/her parents will still take care
of him/her
- Show your child that you trust his/her ability to adapt to
these changes.
- Promote relationships between your child and other safe,
healthy and caring adults including extended family, friends and
professionals.
What NOT to do
- Do not withhold visitations from the other parent?
- Do not use your child to spy on the other parent?
- Do not use your child as a pawn or bargaining chip in
fighting over family property?
- Do not use your child as a go-between to resolve issues with
your former partner?
- Do not speak negatively and angrily about your former spouse
in front of your child?
- Do not compare your child with the other parent in a negative
way?
- Do not argue with the other parent in front of the child?
- Do not use your child to pass on information and messages to
the other parent.
Take care of
yourself.
Depending on your
circumstances, your own emotional and physical energy may be low. Find
ways to take care of yourself so you can fully care for your children.
I am a
skilled Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with many years of
training. I am successful and effective at dealing with the many issues
that occur due to divorce and separation. I can provide counseling
services for yourself, your child, your family as well as couples and
co-parenting counseling. Please contact me to ask any other questions
you may have or to set up an initial appointment.
Mark Hirschfield MFT (415) 922 4444
Return to Home Page
email: mark@markhirschfield.com
Some of this info is culled from
the website of the NDSU Extension Service, North Dakota State
University of Agriculture and Applied Science. Thanks
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